The Experience Economy

What Ben Franklin Taught Me About Committment

I am so busy. I am so tired. I need to go to yoga. I have not seen so and so in a long time. I am famished. I am on a work trip. I am on vacation. What difference does one day make anyway?

These are all of the excuses I have used over the last four months for why I did not need to carry out my commitment to follow Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues that he laid out for his Mutual Improvement Club.

(For background: In 1727, Franklin started what he called a Mutual Improvement Club, which met weekly for over 40 years. His Club included 12 men with diverse interests and skills who committed to improving themselves and each other.)

In March, 13 of us committed to following Franklin’s 13 virtues for 13 months, forming a modern-day Mutual Improvement Club. Our Club would be a way for real people with real hopes, dreams, fears and challenges to help each other get over life’s hurdles —both internal and external—and achieve the kind of success, productivity and fulfillment we all wanted in our lives.

Each month we committed to a different one of Franklin’s virtues. March was Moderation. April was Silence. May was Order. June was resolve. And July is Frugality. We all followed the same virtue, but each of us chose how we would interpret it. For moderation, I chose a digital detox because of the heavy pull I felt my devices had on my life. Others chose to not look at their favorite websites or not post to social media.

As the days wore on I found myself looking at my devices more and convincing myself that I really needed to check my email for some reason or another. There was always some excuse—real or imagined—why the commitments I made in one moment no longer felt doable in the next.

For the month of Silence I chose to meditate for five minutes daily. Now for anyone who knows me meditation is not an activity that comes naturally to me. I love to talk. My mind is always racing. And nothing seems more nightmarish than being forced to focus on my breathing —except maybe being sent into outer space a la Sandra Bullock in Gravity.

So when my friend Nevah invited me to attend a meditation workshop in Harlem I was anxious, to say the least. We all sat on pillows on the floor cross-legged with our palms facing up and our eyes closed. I listened to the sound of the teacher’s voice telling us to block out all of the ambient sounds in the room. When it was quiet I found I could easily stay in the moment and pay attention to my breathing. But when a truck rumbled by or a dog barked outside I immediately was taken out of my body and felt distracted. I found myself feeling frustrated and had difficulty getting back to my breathing.

Those were the moments the teacher always chimed in: Focus on your breath. These are the times when the meditation is most needed.

After our meditation we had a chance to discuss how we felt as a group. I said that I found the screams and the trucks and the dogs outside the door distracting.

Did the others in the room not notice the sounds?

Of course they did, she said. But being able to hear those sounds and choose to focus on your breathing anyway is the key to meditation. When there is silence and we are not being pulled in a million directions it is easier to meditate. Yet it is those times when we are distracted, stressed, tempted to pull our attention from what we want to focus on to what everyone else wants us to focus on that meditation is most necessary.

 WHOA. That is when I realized what the Mutual Improvement Club is all about. When we are feeling centered and calm and able to breathe it is easier to commit to our goals and to envision the lives we want for ourselves. But it is exactly those times that we are feeling anxious and isolated and out of whack that we need our community to hold us accountable to our goals and vision for our lives. If it was easy than it would not be called commitment.

I am certain Franklin had other things he could have been doing every Friday night for 40 years, but he committed to meeting with his Mutual Improvement Club.

Now whenever I feel like swaying from whatever virtue I committed to for the month I ask myself what would Franklin do and I have my answer.

Who do you turn to in your life to keep you accountable and on track towards your goals?

Do Nothing.

Long weekends make me anxious.

I know they are supposed to be for sleeping in and spending time with friends and enjoying the beautiful weather, while lying on a blanket in the park eating a picnic.

Instead I get stressed out about all of the work I should be doing.

In the days leading up to the weekend I imagine I will wake up at 7am, be at my desk by 9am (after going to the gym and eating a healthy breakfast), work until noon, eat lunch and then stay at my desk working until sunset.

When Saturday morning rolls around there are a slew of things I want to do: sleep in, leisurely drink my coffee and read my paper, take a walk, sit outside, and spend time with friends, to name a few.

I feel guilty if I give myself free time, but I also feel guilty if I spend the whole weekend working.

Yet guilt is not a productive tool. In fact it hinders productivity.

The most important thing to remember is this: the idea that success = non-stop hard work is a myth. We are more creative and innovative in our work when we have free time to breathe and take a walk. We need air and light and laughter to keep our brain cells flowing. We need to take our focus away from our work in order to make our work better. Beating ourselves up and not taking care of ourselves does not lead to more success. In fact, it is just the opposite.

I see it in the many ambitious and accomplished people around me here in Manhattan. We are swimming in a sea of success and we think we have to keep fighting the current to get to the imaginary finish line.

This weekend I decided I am in control of where I place my finish line. Life is not a marathon. No one is telling me where the end goal should be. Only me.

My finish line is a place where family, friends, causes I care about, fantastic books, travel, long walks, and success in my career are all integrated into my life.

Success is one piece of my puzzle. It is not the whole puzzle.

Where is your finish line?

Should Versus Must

Should is what the world expects of you. Must is what your heart expects of you.

Many of us spend too long following Should. I want to talk about Must.

Must is the place where most of us do not have time to go because we are focusing on Should. Must is about being fulfilled. It is about finding meaning and purpose. It is about being present. It is about having experiences.

Must is not about happiness because what does happiness mean anyway? Happiness is temporary. Must is about joy and wonder and curiosity. It is about becoming the best version of yourself and bringing up others alongside you. Must is where the Mutual Improvement Club stems from.

Let me tell you a story about Must. It was 1995 and I was standing in the front row at a Jeremy Enigk concert with my roommate Ashley our freshman year of college, staring up at Jeremy as he sang. His face contorted, sweat dripped from his skin and I stood there in disbelief as I listened to his passionate wails. Where did he find that aching beauty inside himself, the pain and hurt that he turned into music, which brought people from all different backgrounds into one room to cry together?

On our walk back to our dorm late that night I was in tears. I want that kind of passion, I cried to Ashley. I want a job and a future and an art that would fill me to the brim. As I spoke I started crying harder, attempting to explain to Ashley how worried I was that my psychology degree would lead me to a life I did not want to live. A life that felt stunted, like it was happening to someone else. I wanted to travel, to love, to make art. I saw what meaning could feel like through Jeremy. I just did not know how to get there. Ashley’s answer: Find it. Follow your Must.

Some people look for their Must on Craigslist. I went to Africa.

You may find yours by getting rid of all of your belongings, starting your own jewelry business like my dear friend Judi, going to live under the sea for 31 days, photographing commuters on your route to work, combining new and old media or trying to become a perfect version of yourself like Ben Franklin.

I knew from the moment I left that concert on that cool Boston night that I wanted that feeling Jeremy Enigk seemed to embody as he stood on that stage. I wanted my life and my career to converge.

I wanted to choose passion. The focus and meaning of Must may change over time, but it is a choice we can make every day.

Like Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues, which he spent 40 years practicing, your Must is about living the life you want, not the one you think you should. It is about committing to you.

What is YOUR Must?

Why Busy Isn’t Better

I am now one week into my experiment with splitting my days into 3, 8-hour buckets in my quest for increased productivity, peace of mind and fulfillment (my interpretation of what Ben Franklin calls “self-improvement”).

Each of us in the Mutual Improvement Club committed to interpreting “order” in our own lives this month. Ben defined order as: “Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.”

I took this to mean that I should do my work during my “work” time and use my non-work time for leisure. Under this new plan I will spend 8 hours of each day sleeping, 8 hours working (including writing) and 8 hours playing.

I had spent years filling up each and every day with work. When I was working I felt guilty I was not doing enough work. When I was not working I felt an ambient guilt because I was not working. There was never a time that I was not thinking about work or feeling anxious about it. This can’t be healthy, I decided.

Once I became a consultant and was not working in an office day-to-day the guilt and anxiety treadmill just got worse. Because there was not one specific boss breathing down my neck I became my own worst boss. If I slept until 7:30am or went to the gym or took a personal call I heard that voice in my head (she sounds like Ursula from “The Little Mermaid”, by the way) telling me I was not working hard enough, that I was not good enough, that I would never be successful if i kept being lazy.

What this did was make me feel overwhelmed and burnt out instead of more productive, which was my goal.

To be productive I cannot have my nose against the glass of my work. I need to take a step back and see it in the context of my life. The more breathing time I have, the more time with friends, the more fulfillment and air and gym time, the better I am at doing my work. It sounds counter-intuitive—-spend less time doing work and you will actually produce better work, but it is true!

The notion of busy-ness has been glorified by society. But the truth is being busy is a choice. It does not have to be this way. Busy-ness is not romantic. It does not make us more important. It is not an existential reassurance. And it takes away from the experience of other parts of our lives.

When I have been overwhelmed and over-scheduled I have stopped having time for my friends, Erik, my family and myself. My phone would ring and it would be someone I cared about and I would heave a I-can’t-believe-they-are-interrupting-my-important-work sigh. But that is not the life I want to live. I want the people I love to come before anything else in my life.

Our work benefits when we take the long view. In fact our most creative ideas come from our down time, our self-imposed sabbaticals.

Ask yourself this question: What would you be doing if you had the time? If the answer is anything other than what you are already doing than make the time in your day. Remember, your best work comes from allowing yourself to just be.

What would you do on a self-imposed sabbatical?

I Don’t Versus I Can’t

In 2012, researchers published a study in the Journal of Consumer Research where they split students into two groups: one group was trained to use “I can’t.” The other “I don’t.”

Guess what? Those who told themselves “I can’t eat” the chocolate bar ate it 61% of the time. Those who told themselves “I don’t eat” the chocolate bar ate it 36% of the time. By solely changing the language of the interaction the students made a healthier choice.

How does chocolate relate to self-improvement (other than eating healthier)?

Because we don’t say “no” enough and end up sabotaging ourselves in the process. Warren Buffett said it most succinctly: “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say “no” to almost everything.”

Next time you are faced with an invitation to spend time with a friend or attend a gala, instead of saying “No, I can’t,” try saying “I don’t” [fill in the blank here]. Try: I don’t have the time. I don’t have the money. I don’t have the energy. I wish I could, but I don’t have enough hours in my day.

You may be envious of all of the photos you see on Facebook the next day, but you will ultimately be more successful at reaching your goals and living the life you want to lead.

How will you practice saying “I don’t”?

Productivity Versus Busyness

My Mutual Improvement Club is now in its third month. For those who need a recap the Mutual Improvement Club or MIC is 13 people tackling 13 virtues over 13 months.

My biggest takeaway so far is that self-improvement requires hard work and it is easier to be successful if you have a group your accountable to at the end of the day.

Now comes the part where I am completely honest with you: Cultivating experiences in my life day after day is tough. Some days I just want to be in a room by myself and I do not have the time or inclination to have an experience. What I realized last night in the Club was that I have been struggling with a conundrum: I am always busy, but I never feel productive. If I was able to work smarter instead of harder I would have more time to take a walk, or go to the gym, or spend time with friends— all of which are experiences I crave.

One of the other MIC members passed around an article last night about ways to be more productive and it changed the way I think about work. Think about it: If I am more productive in 6 hours than I was in 8 then I would have gained 2 extra hours in each day. I would also feel more present during those 2 hours because I wouldn’t be thinking about everything I had waiting for me back at my desk.

So, how do you go about becoming more productive? This may seem counter-intuitive, but by focusing less on the work and more on the big picture you get more done.

Here is my newest productivity mantra:

Work fewer hours.

Sleep well.

Say “I don’t” (ie. I don’t have the time to go out for drinks tonight versus I can’t go out for drinks.)

Delegate.

Realize you are not perfect.

Automate as much as possible.

Create “do nothing” time.

(I will explore each of these in more depth in my subsequent blog posts).

***

At last night’s MIC meeting I learned that Ben Franklin, the godfather of self-improvement, split his day into three, 8-hour chunks: one for sleeping, one for work and one for personal time. Hearing that cracked something open in me: So much of my day is about frantically getting done as much work as possible. I felt excitement at the prospect of having 8 hours of Ruthie time. What would I do with all of those “extra” hours?

Today I have already bucketed my day into two sections: one for work and one for myself. And here I am writing this blog first thing in the morning (during my work time!).

The reality is that we can always make more money, but we can never make more time. Time is our most precious resource.

 What would you do if you had an extra 8 hours in your day?

The Things I am Grateful For

Skimming through a blog that I love yesterday, I came across a gratitude post and decided to do one of my own.

Here is what I am feeling grateful for this week:

• The big window in my office that looks out onto the backyard, where I can watch the rain from the inside.

• The snooze button that let Erik and I sleep in a bit extra this morning.

• My family who got through a tough week with Mama’s unveiling with humor. The Bloody Mary and the walk on the beach helped!

• My nephews who taught me how to play Angry Birds and introduced me to the alligators at Billie’s Swamp Safari in the Everglades.

• Erik, my amazing husband who I am always grateful for, but especially this week for supporting me through the tough moments in Florida.

• Larry’s Ice Cream!! Our new favorite ice cream place in Coral Springs —especially the caramel sundae. We even got to spin the wheel to get a discount on my sundae!

• Airboats!!! And water buffalo!

• Lenox Coffee, my favorite neighborhood coffee place that I missed when we were gone. I love sipping a large coffee while spending hours doing work there.

• A surprise invitation to the gala of one of my favorite non-profits, BPeace. Thanks Elisabeth Long!
  

• The help of my friends Farah Mohamed, Lisa Witter and Susan McPherson in writing recommendation letters for me for The Bellagio Center Residency Program for the spring of 2015.

What are you grateful for this week?

The Things You Learn About The Dead

I grew up in my grandmother’s house.

My parents were 23 and 24 when they had me—an age I consider incomprehensible for having children. When you are barely an adult yourself and you are lucky enough to still have living parents your children spend a lot of time with them. Hence my childhood growing up alongside Mama.

Here are a few of my most vivid memories of growing up with Mama:

• She always stocked the butter dish in the fridge with a fresh pack of Rolos to surprise me when I came home from school.
• She served me fresh cut cantaloupe with a paper towel around it to keep my tiny hands from getting sticky.
• Playing on the step just inside the door of her house with my Aunt’s old-school Barbies with the knees that didn’t bend and the hair you couldn’t brush.
• Talking to my imaginary friends Country Girl, Grandma Glevitt and Davie and having Mama insist to Dad that imaginary friends were a completely normal part of growing up (See Dad, I’m fine!).
• Insisting on wearing my pink party dress to school every day and fighting with my Dad about it (Mama swore I’d grow out of it and guess what? She was right!).
• Swimming in the pool in Mama’s backyard while she did the bicycle in the corner to keep in shape.
• Going shopping with her and insisting she buy the hot pink and florescent yellow high heels even when she thought she was too old for them.
• Going with her to her office when she started a Jewish matchmaking service in North Miami Beach. This was before the Internet (obviously) and her “technique” was to write the names of all the single Jews in the neighborhood onto index cards and put them into shoe boxes (one for the men and one for the women). She would then match them up based on who she thought would be good together. She got paid if they got married and while I wouldn’t say her business was thriving, she was definitely successful.

Last year Mama passed away—two weeks after her 90th birthday. She wanted to live to be 90, but none of us believed she would.

Erik and I visited her six months before the big day to say our goodbyes, thinking she would die within the week. She didn’t. We thought she would die the week after that (we imagined she was waiting to meet her great-grandkids who were visiting a few weeks later) and she didn’t. She died when she was good and ready.

This past weekend we flew down to Florida for her unveiling, a celebration of her life that takes place about 11 months after someone dies. We spent the weekend talking about Mama and I learned so many things I never knew.

Here are a few:

• When my Dad was a teenager living in New Jersey Mama suddenly decided she wanted to go to the Jersey Shore over 50 miles away. She did not drive and there was no way to get there by public transportation. So, what did she do? She put the three kids in a taxi and took them to the Jersey Shore. Lesson: When you want something go after it.
• She wrote a book that was never published called “Leave Your Fat Behind.” Lesson: When you want something go after it.
• She moved to Kentucky with Papa when the kids were young. When she decided she no longer liked Kentucky anymore she took the three kids and went back to New Jersey. Lesson: When you want something go after it.
• When my Dad was 16 she decided to take the kids down to Florida for a one week vacation. After a week she called Papa (who was still in New Jersey working) and told him to pack the house because they weren’t coming back. Lesson: When you want something go after it.
• We spent the weekend looking through Dad’s photo albums and came across a slew of pictures of Mama posing in a bikini. She was 54 and still looked smokin’. Lesson: When you want something go after it (In other words: If you have it, flaunt it).

I can’t shake this feeling that if I flew down to Florida right now and drove to her house she would be sitting there. I can still hear her voice.

When I was a kid no matter what I did she stood in my corner. When I wanted to wear pajamas to school she told my Dad to let me. She knew what was worth arguing about and what was worth letting go.

She was never the grandmotherly type, the one to cook meals, play games and shower the grandchildren with affection. But she was the one who slipped $18 (chai) in my hand and told me not to spend it all in one place, told me I looked good “with the extra 5 pounds”, was thrilled when I met Erik because she knew I would be “taken care of”, and insisted Lady Gaga would be “the next big thing” (she was right).

She believed in style to her core. Even the last time I saw her, when she was clearly near the end, she wouldn’t let me in the house for over twenty minutes while the nurse brushed her hair, put on her lipstick and put in her dentures. She knew I didn’t care what she looked like, but she did.

Mama’s life was so different than mine and I sometimes wonder what she would have been like if she had all the opportunities I now have. We will never know, but I try to live my life for the both of us, understanding how lucky I am for the lessons she taught me and the experience of growing up alongside her.

Mutual Improvement Club

Ben Franklin had a Mutual Improvement Club for 40 years where he met with the same group of people every week to ask a series of questions and to work on, you guessed it, improving himself and each other.

Each week they would focus on a different virtue and Ben charted whether or not he lived up to that virtue each day. Those virtues were: Temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity and humility.

When I read about Ben’s club I immediately knew that Ben and I have a lot in common. My experience experiment is about figuring out how to live life to the fullest, making sure to take time to notice the world around me, while improving on myself every day. Speaking for Ben, I would say he had a very similar mission. Ben admitted he was never able to live these virtues perfectly, but he said he was better for having tried.

Like Ben, my Mutual improvement Club is following the 13 virtues, though we are working on each virtue for a full month. For Temperance (March), I committed to a digital detox, where I limited checking my email once I came home at night. I was an utter failure at it. Every night I would avoid looking at my phone for the first ten minutes after walking in the door and then slowly I would sneak over to it and sneak a peek. I immediately felt better. Then about ten minutes later I would do it again.

I felt like I was sneaking around my own house to avoid Ben’s watchful stare when really it was only me cheating myself out of a technology-free night. I was not able to get through one night without succumbing to the tug of social media and work. Most of the time I didn’t need to be working. I wasn’t going to lose a client if I didn’t check emails. And I wasn’t going to lose any friends if I didn’t check social media. But that feeling that I would be missing something was powerful. Yet most of the experiences I wanted to be living were not happening inside my phone or computer.

This month’s virtue is silence, which, for anyone who knows me, is not easy an easy one. For April I committed to meditating for five minutes a day to start each day fresh and focused. I learned my lesson from March: Don’t make sweeping goals that can’t be met because then you’ll fail and end up frustrated. So far I have meditated every single day-sometimes in the morning and sometimes at night-but always with the intention of letting go and clearing my head.

Ben never had a blog, obviously, but I do like to think of his Mutual Improvement Club as his little experience experiment. He was looking to become a better and happier man and track his progress at fulfilling his goals. I am looking to be happier, improve myself, and seek out experiences that keep me connected to family and friends and the world around me. 

It looks like Ben and I have a lot in common.

What areas of your life would you like to improve on?